Just a quick fly-by post to mention that I haven’t died from Botox Syndrome. (Yet.) It’s been a week since the procedure, and right now I’m feeling… well, exactly the same as I was prior to it. I’m not noticing any tension in my vagina, but I don’t really feel like I can relax it, either. Kegels are a little tougher to do than they were before, but I don’t notice much relaxation on the release.
I should have some form of dilating update… However, I’ve been on Shark Week for the last few days (that’s advice columnist Dan Savage’s term for being on my period, and I’m rather fond of it) and thus avoiding the little silicone bastards. Again.
But give me 3-4 days and I will have absolutely no excuse not to dilate, so… If I haven’t posted again by the start of next week, hound me! I need someone to kick me into being accountable. Plus, I have a follow-up appointment with Specialist Doctor on the 18th, so I will need to have something positive to report to him. Otherwise he might call me a wimp again.
… Did I not mention that before? Guess it’s storytime after all.
Now, Specialist Doctor has been the best doctor I’ve seen about my vaginismus and vulvodynia. He is knowledgeable and compassionate, and very determined to have me thinking positively and truly believing I can beat this. His treatments are aggressive but necessary, done methodically, and I really think I’d be much worse off if he weren’t holding me accountable.
However, being a pelvic medicine specialist, he has hundreds of patients, and as such, appointments with him are short and brusque. Often he’s running late, sometimes an hour or more, and when that happens, the stress starts to show. He’s never been mean to me, but I know that sometimes I’ve become another box to check off on the list before he can go home.
The time that stood out to me the most was on my pre-Botox appointment, when we were evaluating how well the Elavil worked. He asked me if I’d attempted intercourse yet; I said no. And he responded, “That’s a little wimpy, don’t you think?”
My response was the only actually wimpy part. I said something vague about not wanting to exacerbate the vaginismus by attempting intercourse before I was ready. And to his credit, he seemed to agree with me, or at least believe I was being reasonable. The conversation went on like usual, he outlined his Botox treatment plan, and all was well.
But what I wanted to say to him, at that precise moment when that word “wimpy” slipped out of his mouth, was something along the lines of: “Hey, you try shoving a dildo the size of a penis up your ass before you’ve stretched it out, and see how THAT feels!”
Obviously, I didn’t actually say that, because, well, I’m an adult, and hoping to move past my rebellious teenager phase. But I do think, in the most literal sense, it’s a valid point. Anal intercourse, when not adequately prepared for, can be as unpleasant of an experience as vaginismus; it requires lots of lubricant, gradual stretching, and patience from both partners to even be comfortable, let alone pleasurable. (And honestly, I cannot fathom how that could ever be even remotely comfortable. But, I also can’t fathom how vaginal intercourse could be comfortable either…)
In summary, I think being nervous to attempt to insert something a fair bit larger than anything I’ve attempted before, when inserting dilators smaller than my husband have often resulted in scraping, burning, searing pain… I don’t think being afraid of that kind of pain is “wimpy.” Not at all.
I just want to say thank you so much for documenting your experiences here. As an 8-year sufferer of vaginismus, who has often been told by GPs, doctors, gynaecologists and even specialists that the problem is “in my head” and I just need to relax, it is incredibly comforting to know that there are other women out there dealing with the same thing and taking steps to get past it. I have been considering botox treatment ever since I heard about it several years ago and it is incredible how little information there is on the subject. And how little many doctors seem to know about it also.
Yours is the only in-depth account from a patient I have read with regards to the botox procedure and it’s really comforting and insightful to be able to understand this experience through the eyes of someone who is actually experiencing it, as oposed to the points of views of those who are administering or researching the treatment.
Thank you so much for your honesty and openness, you are a definite inspiration. Please keep writing! I will be awaiting to hear of your progress and am sure you will have success soon!
Comments like this are why I keep writing.
I’m so glad that I’m actually able to be a comforting voice for someone else. In “real life,” I only know one other person with vaginismus and she doesn’t want to talk about it; online communities and blogs are often the only way women like us can connect with others going through the same things. So thank you for lending me an ear, and I hope my story will bring you hope and confidence too. Keep in touch and let me know how your journey goes!
And because you need to hear someone who balances out the “it’s in your head” chorus – it is NOT all in your head. Of course, psychological issues are part of it (and I need to start addressing mine better or else I will never be able to finish treatment), but doctors, of all people, should know that mental conditions can have very tangible physical effects, and that inadequate treatment is just going to exacerbate the problem. I don’t think comments like “you just need to relax” are inherently dismissive, but they are uninformed and ignorant of how the condition works.
I also find it really strange how few doctors, even gynecologists, know about vaginismus, especially given that up to 1 in 100 women experience it at some point! It’s not a rare condition! But thankfully, younger doctors seem to be getting a better education about issues like this. (For example, my sister-in-law is training to be a gynecologist, and she’s heard of it and of treatments like Botox for it. My friend who’s a psychology major learned about it in her undergrad too.) Medical research for vaginismus is new, like post-2000 new, and it’s going to take a few years before that knowledge trickles down to the regular gynos and the GPs. But it will get there… Research is being done, the public is slowly becoming more informed. We’ll get there.